Whats up fools? Its that time of the year again, fantasy draft time! My favorite time of the year, when we get to see the true definition of insanity. You fools doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. Honestly, my twins have more fantasy knowledge in their diapers than you sheep.
So, without further ado, here are my first round draft predictions for tomorrow night:
Havoc - Gets flustered when someone suggests that he join the league and decides to take Neil Rackers number one overall
Black Hand - Makes the ultimate homer pick of Chris Cooley, insisting the Shanahans will bring him back.
Chili Peppers - Runs out of time, forefeitting her first pick after being distracted by something shiny. Or a squirrel.
Pumas - Tries to make a ridiculous deal involving an injured QB, gets vetoed, bitches about the commish and then picks Jake Locker insisting he'll be this years Cam Newton.
Twins - After buying a fantasy football magazine the same day, pours over the pages for the first time, just in time to pick another Steeler.
Bullies - Holding out longer than MoJo, look for Mavis to slide in just in time to draft an obscure WR no one knows and make an inside joke no one gets.
Green Helmets - No one will be able to hear Andy's pick over the heckling and booing coming from Jeremiah and Sara.
Red Dogs - I, will make a brilliant pick and everyone will be in awe of my genius.
Angy Amish - Jordy Nelson. Book it. Jeremy LOVES Jordy Nelson. Dunno why, but I think he has Jordy Nelson posters all over his bedroom.
Sunshine - Sara will be too busy bitching about Andy as commish and will have to rush her pick, taking Jason Witten and his spleen in a panic move.
After a 3 year hiatus, I'm coming back and unlike our boy Tiki Barber, there's no one to tell me I can't. It seems as though the league has had some turmoil and upheaval in the off season and our new commish is getting treated like he's Roger Goodell on fire in front of James Harrison, never fear though as I'm here to add a little life and humor to your grumpy-pants fantasy league. I mean, seriously, you guys realize this league is supposed to be fun, right? Anyways, we just had a draft (someone should tell the Black Hand next time) so I think it's time to start up the weekly power rankings again. So, without further ado, here's how you all suck compared to me!
Centreville Red Dogs - In case you didn't know it, in my rankings you stay #1 until someone takes you out. Good luck peasants!
Sixteen in The Clip - The explosive potential of this lineup is outstanding, but so is the injury potential. Mike "PuppyLuv" Vick missed games to an injury last season, Dez Bryant missed half of last season shopping for jewelry with his pants around his ankles and Reggie Wayne is old as dirt (32!!!) and doesn't have Peyton throwing to him for at least a week or two. I love the depth here at RB with the ADP and Frank Gore in the stable. I'm concerned however with the QB position. Andy Dalton and Kevin Kolb are not the guys I'd want to depend on if PuppyLuv goes down for the season.
Short Bus Bullies - I like this team as a potential dynasty team. With Freeman at QB and Roddy White at WR, along with Lee Evans and Jamaal Charles, I think there's a lot of potential here. I don't mind the bench play either with Plax trying to do his best Vick imitation, Peyton Hillis trying to prove he belongs on the cover of Madden and even McNabb as the backup QB. I think the Bullies might finally get out of the crapper this year.
Nova Sunshine - What's not to like about Drew Brees and Andre Johnson? Nothing of course. I just worry about the RBs here. MoJo is nice, but who's the QB in Jax now that they cut Garrard? Luke McCown? Yeah, in other words, hey MoJo, get ready for 500 carries this year!
Havoc - Chris Johnson, Matty Ice, Fitz...I like this lineup at first. Then I get to the backups. Roy Williams? Brandon Jacobs? Ricky Williams? What is this? The has-been fantasy league? The idea in a keeper league is to get YOUNGER not OLDER Brian.
Nova Pumas - The Pumas got younger this year, except for Grandpa Manning. Aside from neck bone's injury, I love the starting lineup this week for the pussycats. Schaub, Santonio 'That's Not My Joint' Holmes, Dwayne Bowe, LeSean McCoy and the list goes on. The Pumas got younger this year overall, and may have gotten better.
Bristow Twins - The Twins will finally find their way out the dark, back corner of the college town club this year, thanks ironically to their top QB, Big Ben Rapelisberger. I loved their second pick of Rashard Mendenhall, however I think they could have waited to take a QB later on and gotten a higher quality WR to support a team on the upswing.
Green Helmets - The new commish had a good draft, but was it good enough? Rivers and Rice are nice, but Best and Foster are oft injured. Headache Harvin will miss several starts for him and I'm just not a big believer in any Baltimore WRs. The depth on this team concerns me.
Angry Amish - The Amish should be ranked higher than 8th, and with Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings maybe I'm doing them a disservice putting them so low. However, after that I just don't think they have the star power to compete. Ocho is old, Marshall's QB has no arm and Todd Heap got cut by the Ravens?! It'll take more than bringing your kid to the draft to get sympathy from me!
Black Hand - Zero star power on this team. Romo hasn't proven anything, I don't believe in Hakeem Nicks this year and Steven Davis will suffer this year because of the lack of, well an offense. And Ryan Grant? Did anyone tell the hand he almost got cut this year? I do however this DeSean Jackson is a nice pickup and might keep him out of the cellar. But I doubt it.
It's Friday night, I'm drunk on Sam Adam's Octoberfest, my Mother-In-Law is here, not a bad thing like some people might think and apparently Magic Johnson is lying about his HIV. I just made a joke about how cheating doesn't count if you're in a different zip code that my mother-in-law thought was funny. Apparently though, my wife did not. Fortunately, the couch is already occupied for the night and we don't have a dog house. I may however wind up on the floor. The question though, will it be because of my inebriation or because of my bad joke? Or both? I've been dreading writing this week's power rankings all week. Not because of nasty letters from teams that were unhappy about their rankings the previous weeks, even thought it's apparent at least one of those teams took my advice this week and started to turn it around. And it's not because of my loving wife's constant threats of abstinence if she's not ranked number one, although that's a biggie. What it really comes down to, is this week I figured I'd actually put some thought and reasoning into my rankings and try to be as accurate as possible. Do you understand how truly frightening that is for someone who hates organized thought? It's disgusting. So, I've decided to include a formula for this week's rankings and see how it works out. Given my eighth grade education and lack of a calculator (and six beers in two hours), it needs to be as easy as possible, and of course it needs to be reasonably accurate. The major categories I feel that need to be considered in a weekly ranking are:
Previous week's points rank. By this I mean, how many points did a team score in the previous week as compared to the rest of the league. For instance, last week the Rocky Runners scoring 119 points earned them the #1 ranking in the weekly points rankings for last week. First place earns 10 points, last place 1 point.
Overall points rank. Simple. Who's scored the most points on the season overall? Again, first place gets 10 points, last place 1 point.
Yahoo's Standings. What place is the team in according to Yahoo? Same thing, first place get 10 points, last place 1 point.
Number of player's on bye. -1 for each player on bye.
Overall record. 1 point per win, -1 per loss.
So, for instance let's calculate the Rocky Runner's score this week:
The Runners' were the overall points leader this week with 119, so that earns them 10 points. In overall points, they're ranked 6th, so that's 5 points. According to Yahoo, the Runner's are ranked 7th, so that's 4 points. They have 3 players on bye, so subtract 3 points and their overall record is 2-3, so give them -1 for that.
Total Score = 10+5+4-3-1 = 15 points
In the case of a tie for points scored, both teams will receive the higher points and the next untied team will get the next score. For instance, the Pumas and the Hand are both tied for fourth in weekly scoring, so they each get 7 points and the next team gets 6th place points.
Now in the future I won't base a team's ranking solely on this number, but it will play a big part in it. For at least this week though we're going solely on the formula. Now, ON TO THE RANKINGS....and more beer!
Power Score Rankings
Annandale Sunshine - Power Score 32 - It's not surprising to see the Sunshine come out on top with the new power score formula, considering for the past 5 weeks they've been one the league's leading scorers. With no players on bye, the top fantasy QB in Brees, Jason Witten, who's a friggin animal and Greg Jennings catching TD's left and right the Bullies will be in for a fight this week.
Annadale Pumas - Power Score 25 - Seven points separate first and second place. There's no other disparity this large in the rest of the Power Score Rankings. The Pumas are still a force though to be sure and with Big Ben as their only bye week player, and getting Plax back in the lineup makes them even tougher.
Short Bus Bullies - Power Score 21 - There are some real question marks in the Bullies lineup this week, but they always seem to rise above. Gonzalez, Breaston, Grant and Fasano in the starting lineup against the powerhouse Sunshine will make for a difficult week.
EZ Like Sunday Morning - Power Score 17 - The honeymoon hasn't really started, but as far as the power rankings go it's already over. Dropping from second to fourth in one week following a decimating loss to the now second ranked Pumas in combination with having 3 bye week players this week and forced to play Dallas Clark at the TE, they still should have a cake walk this week against the Black Plague..I mean Hand.
Rocky Runners - Power Score 15 - The Runners were the high scorer this week and it catapulted them to 5th place in the power rankings. If it weren't for their 3 players on bye, they would've had the 4th spot overall. Their matchup against SxC this week will be a big one as far playoff implications are concerned. More than likely, the loser of this matchup will not make it.
Green Helmets - Power Score 14 - H3LmE7s 4 L1Fe! This is one the few instances where my formula ranked a team lower than their Yahoo ranking. Not important. Helmets vs Pumas is always a classic matchup. Look for the Pumas to win going away in a stunning upset this week.
Centreville Red Dogs - Power Score 10 - Honest to God this team looks sad. Only projected for 72 points this week and that's all they scored last week. Look for the Amish to use their new found electricity to spank the Dogs with a rolled up newspaper this week.
Angry Amish - Power Score 9 - At least the Amish listened to me last week and turned their team around! LOL! That's all I have to say about that.
Black Hand - Power Score 5 - Look, seriously. Edwards sucks. OchoCinco sucks. Romo is a cowboy. Draft better, get a better team. Trade me Calvin Johnson. Chris Cooley is also a bright spot in this black hole of a team.
Sixteen In The Clip - Power Score 0 - What can I say? Cutler looks good. And that's really about it. Honestly, they still have 2 defenses. Drop one and see about picking up a free agent. Peterson should have a big week against the Lions. Honestly, most of the SxC players have good matchups. They might just surprise the Runners on Sunday.
So, my best friend and the owner of EZ Like Sunday Morning, Eric Huffman, is getting married this Saturday, and somehow I've been given the honor of being the best man at the ceremony. I say somehow, because it seems to me, that if someone had as many embarrassing stories on me, as I do on him, I'm not sure I'd ever give them access to an open bar, a microphone and ask them to say a few words in front of my new wife and her family. But of course I did just that a little over a year ago, and what happened? I got a toast that included an interesting story about my hitting a mail box in my Mom's van. Maybe not the most embarrassing story ever, but in the words of the immortal Bugs Bunny, 'Of course you realize, this means war.'
Which story to tell though? That's the big question. I could talk about how vain young Eric was about his blonde hair. How he wore it like Vanilla Ice and used more product than the lead singer of 'Flock Of Seagulls'. Of course, if you've only know Eric for the past hrmmm say 10 years, you might be confused about all this hair talk seeing as how he now looks more like a stunt double for Bull from 'Night Court'.
WOW! Ok, so I just wasted 10 minutes reading Richard Moll's wikipedia page, but I bet that's 9 minutes longer than that magical moment on Eric's wedding night, and probably more sastifying. Anyway, I'll save the rest for the reception, but suffice to say I promise mine will be something like the video I posted at the end of this week's power rankings. And now, on to the show!
Annandale Sunshine (3-1), Previous Rank 1 - Still undoubtablly the best team in the league. They score more than anyone and have 2 of the top 10 scores in the league in Drew Brees and Greg Jennings. This week they draw SxC, which should be an easy, walk in the park win. Unless of course Cutler puts up 100 points by himself.
EZ Like Sunday Morning (2-2), Previous Rank 4 - Another high scorer on a two game win streak. Plus, he's getting married so bonus points to the man taking the plunge. Good luck will persist this week as he 'serves Puma' to his wedding guests. Good luck Kara, you're going to need it with this one.
Annandale Pumas (3-1), Previous Rank, 3 - Hrmmm....where to rank the Pumas? How aboutthird? Why? Sure, they're loaded with talent, but with T.O.'s running off at the mouth it's only a matter of time before he destroys Romo just like he did McNabb. God how delicious is it that T.O. is single handedly destroying the NFC East for the Redskins? How long before he goes to the Giants?! I can't wait!
Short Bus Bullies (3-1), Previous Rank 2 - Yeah, they lost, but so what? They're still a tough team and if Jason was getting married this week I might give him the edge, but he's not. So 4th place is where they go. Trust in the idea of them destroying the Red Dogs this week.
Green Helmets (2-2), Previous Rank 6 - Believe in the Helmets! They're on their way up and they should beat a slumping Amish team this week.
Red Dogs (3-1), Previous Rank 5 - Look, 6 is even high for the Dogs. With injuries left and right to their keepers, the Dead Dogs will be lucky to make the playoffs this year.
Rocky Runners (1-3), Previous Rank 8 - How do the Runners lose and move up? Because the rest of the teams below them are just that bad.
Black Hand (1-3), Previous Rank 9 - The Hand still isn't getting anywhere, even after Edwards and Ocho Sucko finally woke up. Thank the Redskins to shutting down Tony Romo quicker than Jessica Simpson at a playoff game.
Sixteen In The Clip (1-3), Previous Rank 10 - They're still homers, but they move up a slot because they aren't on a 3 game slide.
Angry Amish (1-3), Previous Rank 7 - This team is just being mismanaged. 4 of the top 20 fantasy scorers, but on a 3 gamed losing streak? C'mon on Amish! Start using electricity to check your lineup!!
So, yeah...I had no time to write this week, but here are my rankings. I apologize and will do better next week.
Annandale Sunshine (2-1) Previous Rank 2 - All hail the new King....errr Queen! As the league's leading scorer, the Sunshine are deep all through their roster.
Short Bus Bullies (3-0) Previous Rank 3 - It's almost a tossup between the Bullies and Sunshine for first, but the Sunshine have more points so....
Annandale Pumas (2-1) Previous Rank 1 - It was a close game last week, no need to panic here. Still deep and talented.
EZ Like Sunday Morning (1-2) Previous Rank 5 - Moving on up like George and Weezey! And looking to trade LT?? Wow!
Centreville Red Dogs (2-1) Previous Rank 9 - Was last week a fluke win? Probably....
Green Helmets (1-2) Previous Rank 5 - Still middle of the road. They need a few more stars.
Angry Amish (1-2) Previous Rank 4 - Come on Amish! You're like the Cardinals. Everyone's weekly sexy pick, and a weekly let down! So close...So close!
Rocky Runners (1-2) Previous Rank 8 - The Runners are the same as last week....not quite there.
Black Hand (1-2) Previous Rank 7 - Ocho and Braylon suck, and this week Romo will too.
Sixteen In The Clip (1-2) - SxC finally got a win. They have a good shot to beat the Dead Dogs this week as well.
I've always heard that crow does not make a great meal. It's bitter, you get your fill quite quickly and your desire for more is comparable to turkey leftovers three days after Thanksgiving. There's no way you could eat another bite of that bird, but someone has to or it's going to spoil, so you take another bite and try to swallow it down as fast as possible. That being said, I've eaten my fair share of crow this week and I'm ready to move on, so let's get this out of the way now. I hereby make the following admissions:
The Red Dogs had no business being ranked second. With Brady gone and Plaxico being traded away, the only bite left in the Red Dogs was a toothless, gummy one as they got spanked by the Runners in Week 2.
Just because a team was 0-1 does not mean that they are worse than every other 1-0 team. Case in point is the Sunshine. Obviously their Week 1 ranking should have been higher given their status as the second highest scorer in Week1.
Brandon Marshall is a nasty talent and I'm a dolt for doubting it.
Now, that's over and done with so let's move on to the Week 2 power rankings.
Annandale Pumas (2-0) - Previous Rank, 1 - Again, there's no reason to change their place. Their roster is nasty. You know it, I know it. Probably the only weak point on this team is tight end, and let's face it when you've got Manning, Moss, Burress, Owens and Addai, who's sweating tight end?
Annandale Sunshine (1-1) -Previous Rank, 6 - They've got a loss, so what? They're only the highest scoring team in the league so far. They scored the second highest point total in their Week 1 loss and the highest total in Week 2 as they rolled past EZ Like Sunday Morning. The crazy part is they're doing it with less than marquee name players. Sure, you know Drew Brees and Reggie Wayne, but did you know Chris Chambers and Greg Jennings have scored 29 and 28 points respectively? Add in a catch machine like Jason Witten and the Sunshine will be hard to beat.
Short Bus Bullies (2-0) -Previous Rank, 3 - So, here we go again. A repeat of last season so far. It's the Pumas, the Bullies and the rest of the field. The biggest question for the ever rotating Bullies roster is, will it be right by the playoffs? The constant waiver wire work panned out for the Bullies during the majority of the 2007 season, but slumped going into the playoffs. The bye week proved to be a life saver for them, allowing them to only face a SxC team that lost a of players to the playoffs.
EZ Like Sunday Morning (0-2) - Previous Rank, 9 - What? An 0-2 team in 4Th place? I'm afraid so. With their number one draft pick out in week one, they lost by 8 points to the third ranked team, and then this week lost in a huge shootout to the number two. There's still a real question at QB, and I'm not backing off my question their depth at WR. But there's no doubt that EZ is not going to be an easy win for anyone the rest of the year.
Rocky Runners (1-1) - Previous Rank, 7 - Now that they've finally shoved Carson Palmer to the bench where he belongs, Eli Manning will carry them to more success. If Tory Holt can help jump start an anemic Rams offense, and youngsters Santonio Holmes and Reggie Bush continue to contribute the Runners will be potent .
Black Hand (1-1) - Previous Rank, 8 - Look, the Hand has too much talent to be denied for long. Romo is always a threat to go huge and Calvin Johnson looks like a stud, and OchoCinco and Braylon will score (only 15 points between them???) but again, no depth. An injury or continued suckage from the Edwards and Cinco will be the end of the Hand.
Green Helmets (1-1) - Previous Rank, 5 - They win a game and lose two spots? Not fair? Maybe, but the Helmets are panicing early on trying to find talent at WR, because after Steve Smith their next best is Wes Welker, who's going to have to not only fight Randy Moss for catches, but hope Matt Cassel can get the ball to him as well as Brady did. Not good odds. They are however offering some MUCHO running back talent in return, including Darren McFadden and Matt Forte.
Angry Amish (1-1) - Previous Rank,4- A big dropper this week, but look for the Amish to start bouncing back. The Aaron Rodgers and Brett Farve combo seems to be paying off, and Roy Williams is living up to the pre-draft hype everyone put on him so the Amish will score points. The rest of their positions are just okay though, and they need at least one more high quality WR to really make them a force to be reckoned with.
Centreville Red Dogs (1-1) - Previous Rank, 2 - Look, we know the Red Dogs are screwed. No Brady, no Plax and an aging Marvin Harrison. The waiver wire and Willie Parker are their only chances for salvation and it doesn't look like the football gods are hearing their prayers.
Sixteen In The Clip (0-2) - Previous Rank, 10 - I took a lot of flack about my previous review of SxC. Apparently the other teams in this league are homer apologists. I kid, I kid! OK, so Eddie Royal is looking like a stud, even after Brandon Marshall came back and Cutler is throwing lights out, but after that there are some serious concerns. Colston's still gone, which is a huge hurt. Peterson is still a stud, but with the announcement that Gus Ferrotte will be starting at QB for the Vikings because of a poor two weeks by Tavarius Jackson, you have to think teams are going to load up for him and make one the biggest choking dogs in Redskins history throw the ball.
Because I referenced Triumph AND dogs in the same article, here's one for you...
Where to begin? Only one week into the third chase for the Vandelay Cup and everything is nuts. Brady is done, the Amish are undefeated, cats and dogs are loving each other, a Hokie alum leads the league in receiving....did I mention Brady was hurt?
The trade talks are burning up the internet and the waiver wire is constantly getting scoured as teams are looking to fix the injury bug. The only thing that makes sense is the Black Hand FINALLY admitting that his eldest son is smarter and better looking than him. Anyway, I digress. On to the rankings!
Why Tom Why??
Annandale Pumas (1-0) - If you've paid any attention to my rankings in the past, you'll know that I'm a firm believer in the ideal that a champion has to be de-throned to lose the top spot. Even disregarding that theory, it's hard to vote against the Pumas. With players like Peyton Manning, Terell Owens, Randy Moss, Joesph Addai and deals pending to add Plaxico Burress and Ben Rothelisberger to an already stellar lineup the Pumas may be unstoppable this year. Look for them to completely demolish an already stalling SxC this week.
Centreville Red Dogs (1-0) - Yes, I realize Brady is done for the year. Yes, I know the Dogs just traded off Burress to the strongest team in the league, making them even stronger, but let's look at a couple factors. First, the CRD still put up the most points overall last week without Brady, thanks in a large part to Willie Parker, who looks to have a serious resurgance, scoring 3 rushing TDs last week after only 2 TDs all season in 2007. Yes, they've traded Plaxico, but given the circumstances the deal isn't so bad. They picked up Rivers, a possible keeper for anyone else and Patrick Crayton, who could be poised to have a strong year. Add in a healthy Marvin Harrison, Lee Evans and some strong middle-round talent WRs and the Red Dogs could be strong.
Short Bus Bullies (1-0) - Never, ever count out the shrewd Bullies when it come to making moves to make their team stronger. The Bullies work the waiver wire like an over agressive poker player and will get the best of the free agents 90% of the time. Throw in a healthy (for now) Donnovan McNabb, Anquan Boldin and Brian Westbrook and the Bullies look ready to make a playoff run for the second year in a row. The only serious concern on this team is a lack of depth in case of injuries and bye weeks.
Angry Amish (1-0) - This is the first time the Amish have ever crawled out of the bottom 5 in the power rankings, as a matter of fact, it's the first time the Amish have ever had a winning record, and I don't believe it'll be the last. The mad mennonites multi-talented multitude (it's called alliteration, sexy huh?) of players like Marshawn Lynch, Roy Williams, Clinton Portis and in an interesting twist both Aaron Rodgers AND Brett Farve in conjunction with steady producers like Jeremy Shockey and Donald Driver should be good enough to keep our league's version of AA on the wagon.
Green Helmets (1-0) - This could be the Helmets year. Marion Barber should be a top scorer every week, Kellen Winslow could be the most valuable tight end in the league, and Kitna seems like he may throw up more good numbers, even without Mike Martz, and if he doesn't Garrard is a safe fall-back. The one thing this team truly lacks is a standout wide reciever.
Annandale Sunshine (0-1) - The best 0 and 1 team in the league, they just barely lost to the Red Dogs in Week 1. With Brees, Reggie Wayne, Andre Johnson, and Jason Witten the Sunshine can put up 100+ any week, but with no depth at WR and not a lot sitting on the waiver wire, the Sunshine will be in trouble is anyone gets hurt.
Rocky Runners (0-1) - The Runners could be ranked much higher, but after a disappointing debut for Carson Palmer (-2 points) its hard to justify. Hines Ward looked great, and Brandon Jacobs scored nicely (good job with his slow ass). Throw in the fact that the Runners have a few nice young players in Santonio Holmes and Reggie Bush, along with Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning and we could be looking at a playoff year for the Runners.
Black Hand (0-1) - Romo, Chad Johnson, Braylon Edwards, Calvin Johnson, Chris Cooley and the Hand is at 0 and 1? Yes, it's true, but don't count out the Hand just yet. Their depth is poor though as theirs a MAJOR drop off in talent after those 5 players.
EZ Like Sunday Morning (0-1) - Gay name? Yes. Good team, still possible. There are many questions on this roster, but running back isn't one of them. With LT and Frank Gore, that's an impressive tandem. Too bad someone forgot this is a WR heavy league. Brandon Marshall wasn't a bad draft choice, but the #1 overall? I don't think so. The lack of WR talent on this team will be it's undoing this year.
Sixteen In The Clip (0-1) - Oh how they mighty have fallen. This is the only team in the league I believe is in SERIOUS trouble. They've traded off Ben Rothelisberger for a homer pickup of a rookie who has had ONE good week, lost Marques Colston for the next 4 to 6 weeks (when they had a chance to trade him and Jay Cutler the day before to get Plaxico Burress) and they're starting RODDY WHITE! Yes, they have Steve Smith, but not the good one. The only bright spot left on this team is Adrian Peterson. Maybe they'll trade him off for Schaub so they can be the ultimate homer team with no talent.
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